#7 - Hay que seguir
Sometimes I get tired of telling nice stories. Of making delicate, “sweet little drawings”. Of telling things from the perspective of resilience. You're lucky. You've been so lucky in life. I won’t deny it, but if I could, I’d throw up that sentence. Sometimes I want to scream when (…)
Sometimes I get tired of telling nice stories. Of making delicate, “sweet little drawings”. Of telling things from the perspective of resilience. You're lucky. You've been so lucky in life. I won’t deny it, but if I could, I’d throw up that sentence.
Sometimes I want to scream when people tell me I'm brave. I don't want to be brave. I want to live a normal life.
Spend a night without nightmares. Go grocery shopping without suffering a panic attack. Be twenty-nine years old and not still depend on my parents for food.
Sometimes, I wish I could stop laughing. Go back to that moment when I was blind and shake myself, get a good slap on the face. ‘For God's sake, stop smiling!’ Because laughter was everything. It hid everything. Justified everything. You had your hands on me and I was laughing.
And at night, when I close my eyes, I see nothing but that. You and me on the railing. You and me in the park. You and me in secret. In innocent secret. I'd like to vomit everything about you and me and all those people who never stopped telling me how lucky I've been in life.
“Is that what lucky means to you?
This is the last time I look back.” ¹
Sometimes, I just wish objects could become objects again, rather than symbols. I wish a city could be just a dot on a map, rather than the source of all my misery.
But I found the courage. And I dared to speak up. So there's no going back, no more mundane mornings, or laughter without pain. I have to learn how to take the bus again, alone, and not jump when a stranger speaks to me. I have to remember how to calm a panicked child, and do that for myself, every time. Be angry for once and stop forgiving everything for the sake of... whose good, again? Accept that those who left made a real choice.
So we may cry along the way, be terrified, broken or exhausted, even pretend to be okay with that for a while. But whatever happens, hay que seguir. Find the strength and keep going. —
¹ : From the poem I’ve heard it said.
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#4 - The next day
The horror of it all was that I had prepared everything in advance. Backpack, passport, essentials. A few days later, they’d be waiting for me at the airport. At that moment, I’d imagined only two possible endings to that story: escape, or death and I had chosen both. I was leaving killing her, the Eva everybody (…)
“1) THE NECESSARY SEPARATION:
The desire to disappear or to see the other disappear is the ultimate signal of a cry for help that is vital to hear. Behind this desire (for ‘it to stop’) is the call of life.’” ¹
The call of life. — Genesis 19:17
I thought I saw a flash of lightning. It was 6:18 am, or something like that. It was 6:14, actually, last time I looked, but I guess it takes a good four minutes to put your shoes on, unlock the door and get the hell out.
The horror of it all was that I had prepared everything in advance. Backpack, passport, essentials. A few days later, they’d be waiting for me at the airport. At that moment, I’d imagined only two possible endings to that story: escape, or death and I had chosen both. I was leaving killing her, the Eva everybody remembered. And I was born, me, nameless still, with nowhere to go. Same little ghost who was trying to convince the public that yes, it was there.
In the street, everything was dark, still. I was thinking about Lot. I got startled by noises, but it was just the baker getting ready to open. I went on a bit faster. They’re still sleeping, you think? But who are you talking to? I thought. Just for a moment, the sky intensified — an ultramarine blue. So I knew it wouldn't be long before dawn.
I chose a bench in the middle of the esplanade, facing the mountains, to look at the sky. There were still a few stars. It seemed like an interesting place to start living. A homeless man — I saw him coming from a distance — was approaching, staggering, and I was afraid he would come and talk to me. He came closer, and closer, spoke, but to himself, and continued on his way. I sighed. So I came back to my dawn and to this other sentence from Genesis:
‘The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered Zoar.’ ²
I could have NOT disappointed them. True. Not broken their hearts, leaving home like that. But I could have breathed my last too, and about that, they'll never know. For them, I'll just be the missing child from now on. If I had chosen death, they would have mourned me. But as I chose life, they'll have plenty of time to hate me… It’s okay. You have to take the time to do these things. It's important.
But then you’ll have to rebuild yourselves… Personally, I planned to watch the sun rise. That was one reason to live. Until I asked myself the question again. The blue was changing for a beautiful cerulean, now turning gold. I was waiting my turn.
In the distance, a woman was walking quickly. I could see her silhouette pacing up and down the avenue. She disappeared from my field of vision and reappeared a moment later, right in front of me, agitated. She started talking and talking ; I stared at her, dazed, as if she were speaking a foreign language. She explained that she was looking for her son. That she had woken up around 5am that morning and didn’t find him there. ‘15 years old. Brown hair, white T-shirt, about this size... I won’t punish him, you know. I just want to find him.’ She looked pitiful, I wanted to help her.
The problem with this woman — and she had no idea, of course — was that she was showing me how mothers feel when they can't find their offspring in their bed, where they belong. And it was really not the right time. I nodded and muttered ‘Sorry’.
It was a strange scene, because there wasn’t this atmosphere of absolute solitude that usually goes with all the great moments of a character facing his destiny. I had taken the leap. Left everything behind. Family, work, comfort, home… I had nowhere to go, and I was going there with a pair of old jeans and a soon-expired passport. For me, it was the adventure of a lifetime. For the baker, the mother, the homeless man, it was a morning like any other. There was only one person in the world who could understand the exceptional nature of this day. And the last thing I'd done with her was pick up broken glass. This idea has obsessed me since. —
¹ : C. Eliacheff, N. Heinich, Mère-fille: une relation à trois, (2010), Ed. Albin Michel.
² : Genesis, 19:23
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#3 - What women talk about amongst themselves
I remember. It was this book that started it all. The paranoia, the escape, the wandering from one end of the city to the other... It was the book. (…) Out of curiosity, I opened it. I thought it wouldn't hurt to flip through it. Well I was wrong.
With all due respect to these gentlemen, their mothers —
‘From control to narcissistic abuse:
(...) Narcissistic abuse is the projection of the parent onto the child, whose gifts are exploited not to develop her own resources but to satisfy the parent's need for gratification. (...) It is an abuse of identity, the little girl being put in a place that is not hers and, correlatively, dispossessed of her own identity by the very person responsible for helping her to grow. (...)
The mother's over-investment is accompanied by a lack of real love, which the child transforms into a lack of self-esteem, an insatiable demand for recognition and an unfulfilled need for love. The ‘gifted’ child never ceases to multiply her prowess in order to merit, through her gifts, a love that is always unsatisfying because never directed towards herself, for herself. (...) ¹
[Diary, Oct. 2018:] ‘I can't go on. It's terrifying. It's as if this book were an oracle of my life. It's all written down: the constant pain, the bulimia, the desire to hurt myself, to starve myself to death... the wish to disappear. The worst things I can't even confess to myself. (...) I'm scared. Dr M.’s office is closed and I have nowhere to go. The only thing I know: I can't go home.’
I remember. It was this book that started it all. The paranoia, the escape, the wandering from one end of the city to the other... It was the book. In my ghostly delusions, I ended up in the library and found myself face to face with this book — Mother-Daughter: A Relationship of Three. Out of curiosity, I opened it. I thought it wouldn't hurt to have a look at it. Well I was wrong.
The child prodigy is torn between smallness and greatness, self-hatred and self-love, the interiority of being and the exteriority of doing, the darkness of secret suffering and the light of a glory offered in vain. Such is indeed the fate of the little girl when her mother, oblivious to her own identity as a woman, has entrusted her with the task of realizing her aspirations in her place.’ ²
It was as if the world had slipped away from under my feet. I had the feeling that someone was observing me. ‘This need for love can never be fulfilled because the signs of solicitude are never really addressed to the child.’ It was joke, wasn’t it? Someone had let the damn book there, just to make fun of me.
‘[Maria, from the movie Bellissima] would undoubtedly have become a brilliant young woman [if she had had any special gift] but nevertheless, always hungry for narcissistic gratification, alternating periods of excitement and depression, overactivity and inertia, always eager to please but generally unloved, probably bulimic as well as concerned about her figure, emotionally immature as much as sexually savvy.’ ³
‘From there, something clicked inside my brain. I saw the truth. I was in the eye of the storm, suddenly very serene because everything appeared to me as a powerful revelation, with only one possible outcome: escape or death.’
Think about Rapunzel, who has never touched reality, not even close. Lacking knowledge of what it is made of, she has imagined a world. And in this world, all the characters in the story want to hurt her. And she is right, in a way, because without a voice of her own, everyone is free to put words in her mouth that she never wanted. But the liberating question is not: who is on my side, really? And who has been pretending all this time?
But rather: who has more to gain if Rapunzel stays in her tower?
Artist : Claire Keane, her website here.
MARIA (to her mother): You know what would actually help me? If you’d loved me less. —
¹, ², ³ : ‘When women get together(...), what do they talk about? With all due respect to these gentlemen, their mothers. So argue Caroline Eliache and Nathalie Heinich in their book on mother-daughter relationships.’ — C. Eliache , N. Heinich (2010). Mère-fille: une relation à trois. Ed. Albin Michel —
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#2 - The wandering
It's my fault. I had established a long time ago that when things would go wrong, I’d simply cut myself off from the rest of the world. Remember when I was little? I used to call it “the extinction”. (…) But I'm scared. I think I'm stuck, Lidy. I can't get out of it. (…)
October 2018 — At church
Dear Lidy,
We look for places like this when we suffer. Places that would make us feel like we still belong to something... Anything.
There's no one around. I have the vague impression that I've heard these whispers before, seen these windows —in my dreams or in my memories, I have walked through this door, caressed its wood, I'm sure of it. I can’t say whether God was there or not last time I’ve walked this floor, but I know a part of me died within these walls.
I spent the week wandering around the city. I couldn't go to drama class because I've lost my voice and I can't be there on stage in front of everyone else. I don't have the strength. (Please don't say anything, okay?)
It's my fault. I had established a long time ago that when things would go wrong, I’d simply cut myself off from the rest of the world. Remember when I was a kid? I used to call it “the extinction”. It’s shutting down your senses. You're like a rag doll, you let your body take control. The humiliations, the gestures to resist, the things to face, all of it becomes so distant that nothing really touch you anymore.
But I'm scared. I think I'm stuck, Lidy. I can't get out of it. He wanted me to kneel down the other day and I haven't been back since. I don't live in this body anymore. I grabbed a backpack, threw some things in it, didn't even look... I just stuffed everything in and since then I've spent my afternoons wandering around. From time to time, I write. I move my fingers to see if it's over. And I think of that sentence from The Little Prince that suffocates me every time I read it:
“You will be sad. I'll look like I'm dead, and that won't be true. (…) You understand. It's too far. I can't take that body with me. It's too heavy.”
He fell gently, as a tree falls. It didn't even make a sound because of the sand. — The Little Prince, chapter 26
Without really knowing how or why, I ended up at the theater, knocking the front door. I felt both hopeful and nauseous. It's Tuesday. That's four. Four days without eating. He opened the door, surprised. Class doesn't start until six. I pushed him. I told him I wouldn't be there at six. I climbed the stairs, went up stage and, facing the light, I tried again: Here I am. I must have said it a thousand times. And then I started to cry. He took me in his arms. I kissed him. He didn't flinch. As if we knew from the beginning that it would end up like this. He made me sit down to breathe a second, then asked me what was going on, but I don't know how to do this: talk. If I had known where to start, I would have screamed out. Instead, I kissed him again. We got carried away, he took my hand, slid it in. He was hard, I wanted to pull away. Men love that, making you feel. Like it's the greatest compliment, no kidding.
Somehow, I left. The sun was beating down on the whole city. I staggered on, but I had nowhere to go. I had exhausted every meaning of the word “home” — the pen, the paper, the stage, the arms of a loved one. It no longer meant anything. Everything went dark. And as long as he exists, Lidy, I will never be able to return. —
To take with me:
Passport
Rosary
Sleeping Mouse T-shirt
2 pairs of pants
6 pairs of panties
6 pairs of socks
Blue jacket
Toothbrush
Makeup
Cercles, Yannick Haenel
NB: This episode was the day before my departure. The next day, I was leaving for London, where I lived for three years.
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