#13 - The blue balloon (the story)
It’s hard to be small because people get mean. ‘You see, son’, said a father to his boy the other day, as the three of us were waiting for the lift. ‘Work hard at school, otherwise you'll end up like her.’ Oscar Wilde said (…)
It’s hard to be small because people get mean.
‘You see, son’, said a father to his boy the other day, as the three of us were waiting for the lift. ‘Work hard at school, otherwise you'll end up like her.’
Oscar Wilde said, ‘I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.’ So I slipped my book into my pocket and kept quiet.
It's a little bit every day, my drama teacher used to say, back in France. When you have a goal in life, you have to work on it a little bit every day. And putting people down is a sport like any other, after all.
It was early afternoon in July. It was already very hot (37°C!) and summer had only just begun. I had spent the day going up and down stairs (50 to 60 floors a day, without lift!) and finally, I was beginning to see the end of it.
I rang the doorbell.
‘Who is it?’ said a man on the intercom.
‘La lectura del gas.’
‘Ah.’
The disappointment in his voice was painful. He hung up. I heard a noise in the hallway, so I stayed, just in case. And he did come down to open the door. He showed me where the meters were, but there was a pile of stuff blocking the access. He swore, removed a kid’s bicycle and some plastic toys, and in his haste, a balloon floated away and tumbled down the stairs.
I watched it float for a second.
Turning around, I saw the guy staring at me, bike in hand, looking rather upset, so I hurried off to take my pictures. Then I thanked him cordially, picked up the escaped balloon, and handed it to him. ‘No, but what do you expect me to do with it?’ he said, annoyed. ‘Take it away!’ So I went out, balloon in my hands, and heard the door slam behind me.
I'd had such a difficult day already... Exactly this, aggressive people for no reason, rejections, comments, sighs... For a moment, I couldn't move. I stood there, on the spot, trying with all my might not to burst into tears. It was too stupid, really. So I took a deep breath and then looked at the balloon. What am I going to do with you?
‘Throw it away!’ I could still hear the guy barking. ‘In the street, I don’t care!’
But I couldn’t. Is this how we do then, these days? We use, and when we’re done using, we throw away, without second thought? My balloon and I were like two stray cats, and I certainly wasn’t going to abandon it there. That would have been like admitting the guy was right. The idea made me shiver. So I opened my book to the page where I’d left off and walked, balloon under my arm, to the Tube, where everyone was giving me strange looks. But I think it was on that day I realised ‘strange’ was a compliment and that I was going to spend the rest of my life going against the current. —
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#12 - The blue balloon
The (graphic) story of a difficult day…
At some point, I lost my sense of gravity…
When you get away from everything, it's easier to fly.
On my way, I found a blue balloon.
Small, a little deflated, but so ridiculously beautiful compared to what surrounded it... I decided to hold on to it.
I would have been ashamed to abandon it too. So I took it with me.
Because on that day, I saw a vast and cruel world all around me. A world that treats people like they’re balloons.
I got scared, that's all. —
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#11 - ‘Historias del gas’
This morning, as I started on the rooftops, I didn't have anything to write with, and it was really itching me. So I started ringing doorbells, and in barely an hour, I had already collected a nice haul (…)
or ‘Gas meter stories’
02/09/23 — Thoughts
I was the girl who, on her first day at middle school, wore purple ballet flats with orange socks and green polka dots. People were whispering as I walked by, but I was smiling, handing out candies. I had no awareness of how ridiculous it all looked. I was coming down from the mountain, you see.
God, how I’d love to return to that state of (un)awareness. But I have gone too far. I have built a corset over the years that has worked wonders. As I tightened it, my face turned purple and people applauded. Now, I am doing everything I can to find myself again.
It's painful, frustrating, terrifying, even. But no, it goes further than that. It's agony, actually. The birth of the authentic self through the death of the fabricated self. You better hang on. —
Sunrise over Barcelona, from the rooftops —
19/10/23 — Núria
I think there is something in the phrase ‘I need help’ that the universe is particularly sensitive to.
This morning, no one is opening. It's NO, and NO, and NO, and a boss who says I'd better not go home until I achieve [such] percentage.
Upon entering her home, though, the voracious monster that, night and day, devours me from the inside, suddenly calmed down. Everything is dark, but it is a warm darkness. In the kitchen, alone, a lit candle and a tiny image of Mary.
I exchange a few words with the lady, Núria, who is quite elderly. She tells me that she has difficulty walking. I tell her that I've had a bad day, so suddenly, two souls connect. She takes my hand and offers me a pear.
‘Wait a moment, I'll wrap it up in a bag for you.
— No, I said. Please... I'm hungry.’
In those two words, ‘I'm hungry’ and the pity my gaze must have inspired her, she read everything. She said nothing, rinsed it under water and handed it to me.
So here we are, another awful day, but soon everything will be better, and I'll only remember this gesture: a hand reaching out and one person talking to another as if she were human.
It's nice, for a change. —
“Careful with the dog (he too has feelings)” —
There are two types of gas meters: those located inside people's homes and those found on rooftops. When we have to knock on people's doors, the company, by law, is required to leave a notice — an A4 paper sheet stuck on the door of the building the week before. It is on this paper, collected throughout the day, that I write most of the time.
This morning, as I started on the rooftops, I didn't have anything to write with, and it was really itching me. So I started ringing doorbells, and in barely an hour, I had already collected a nice haul (of sheets, that is, not meters. At that hour, no one answers the door).
And I started thinking... One year. I didn't think I would last that long. A year ago, I hit rock bottom. I had €1.47 in my bank account and I was counting my coins to buy wrapping paper for my parents. I cried a lot, prayed little, and put more trust in bad relationships than in my own abilities in God to get me out of the pit. A year ago, I was afraid to take the underground, I was singing my first concerts. I was anxious about everything and sweating day and night over money. A year ago, I cut my own hair with Ikea scissors and used the weekly grocery budget to buy a jacket that was supposed to solve all my problems. A year ago, I was losing heart, I was losing myself.
Well now, it’s been a year I've been humming as I get off the bus and practising my solos in stairwells. Now, I find it hard to recognise the person I see walking onto the stage and standing in front of everyone, whispering, my heart bursting with gratitude: ‘Here I am.’
There was a miracle, and it started like this: with a community. So yes, we have to put up with each other, day after day. We have to learn not to judge mistakes, excuses, moods and bad days too harshly. Because without each other...
Finally, it occurred to me this morning, as I watched the sun paint the whole city gold, that I no longer have any reason to fear anything. I have reached a stage in my relationship with God that gives me the certainty (and the peace that goes with it) that everything is under control. He takes care of every little detail of my life, like a painter in love, and I have nothing to fear. Bosses will get angry, money will run out, friends will be stubborn, that's the way the world works and I can't blame it for that. But I no longer let these things hurt me. I write, I breathe. The sun rises, and from the rooftops, I’m smiling.
* * *
In that building, practically no one answered the door, a dog bit me in the lift, and some idiot slammed the door in my face. But when I left, I didn't care, I had a smile on my face. For my bosses, it was a failure. For me, it was a resounding success: everything I've written since earlier, I did on this very paper. —
Morning street sketch —
My collection of staircases
07/02/24 — Nayla
She fell to earth like a comet crashes into the desert.
I've been having strange dreams for two days now. Sordid dreams, to be honest. When I wake up, I can't shake the shivers that run through me when I think about them.
There was a bombing, secret underground tunnels, people I knew who were going to die; I knew it, and I couldn't say anything. The visions were so strong that I couldn't get up right away. I crawled to the sofa and went back to sleep, trying to dream about something else. The coffee was brewing. And I dozed off again after breakfast.
I wish I could say that after getting on with the day, things got better, but it wasn’t the case. I dragged myself from one street to another, suspicious, counting the minutes until 3:30 pm (I started late, obviously).
That's when she appeared.
I rang a doorbell (one of the 416 I had to ring today) and all I got in response was a racket, a bang, a muffled commotion behind the door. I waited. Nothing. Waited some more. ‘El gas...’ I tried, unconvinced.
Then a little voice through the door said, ‘Wait. Wait, eh?! The door is locked.’ I said, ‘Okay, I'll wait,’ in the same tone as the little girl who had given the orders. ‘The door is locked,’ she repeated. ‘He went to get the keys.’
A moment later, “he” finally opened the door. A tall man, speaking in monosyllables. She must have been seven or eight years old. The brown skin of desert children, eyes as black as ebony. She stared at me without saying a word, as if it were the most natural thing in the world — that I should be there, in front of her, and that she should be there, in front of me, opening the door of her home, naked as a jaybird.
She let me in, and the father followed us. I finally found the meter and took my photo. The grandmother was in the kitchen — you could see at a glance that she wasn't quite sane. The house was dirty and messy, my shoes were sticking to the floor, and it was best not to touch the walls.
She said something to me in her pretty, impetuous tone, something that rolled off her tongue. I didn't understand and it almost made me want to apologise. Her father translated: ‘No, nothing. She's just telling you she has candies.’ I replied — to her — that she was lucky.
I wanted to ask her a thousand questions. As if within the body of this wild child laid all the answers in the world, a thousand-year-old wisdom, this profound connection that, at its core, links all cultures together.
If I had said, ‘What is time?’ or ‘Why are we on earth?’, she would have had the answer, I was certain of it.
But instead, the door closed. She disappeared, along with her wildness, her strange little air and her furious freedom.
I went down a few steps so that no one could see me, then I began to scribble down all my impressions, the tiny details that had struck me in a matter of seconds.
I named her Nayla, because it means “she who has big eyes” in Arabic, and because it's the name I would have given to the queen of a free country of the desert if I could have created one.
Then, as I left the building, I turned around and looked up at the floor where she lived. A strange feeling came over me. I checked the time, then looked at the window again. Shouldn't children be at school on a Wednesday at eleven o'clock? —
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#10 - La chica del gas
Barcelona isn't what I imagined. Crowded, noisy, and relentless. No matter what, it never takes a break. Going out in the morning during rush hour feels like being swallowed by the beast. (…)
Recent revelations:
The divine never acts alone.
The entropy of the universe can only increase — second law of thermodynamics. (What is entropy? A measure of disorder.) Applied? After a whole day spent cleaning, all it takes is a pencil on a table for everything to be done again. In other words: disorder attracts disorder (the same applies to evil).
Find a job that doesn’t cost you too much.
Repair things as soon as they break.
Make your home a place where you enjoy living.
Buy a plant.
Choose a book.
“El gas… ! Lectura del gas!”
I always start my day on the rooftops. It helps me stay away from the ground, and since I always have trouble getting started — to be honest, I should say: as I still struggle to believe that this is what I do now, reading gas meters — I take my time to enjoy the view before diving into the hustle and bustle.
Barcelona isn't what I imagined. Crowded, noisy, and relentless. No matter what, it never takes a break. Going out in the morning during rush hour feels like being swallowed by the beast.
Jonas in the heart of the storm.
I thought I would find here what I didn't have the courage to look for within myself. In other words, I was devastated when, upon arriving in the Promised Land, I realised that being myself wouldn’t be enough to get me papers, a job and an insurance number.
“But… I’m a good person!” I can still see myself stammering in front of the police station. Without a doubt. Take a number.
After a year of unemployment, I was already lucky to be able to put on a uniform and shout “El gas!” ¹ all day long.
Suffice to say that we see of E-VE-RY-THING, every day. From all social classes to all kinds of possible reactions. Once the doorbell button is pressed, what happens follows a dichotomous order:
So there are those who open the door immediately and let me take a photo of their meter in the kitchen. Then they say, ‘Goodbye and have a nice day,’ and close the door. Those are very rare. I know how to appreciate them.
There are those who open immediately, but only to say NO. ‘You shall not pass.’ (Think of the hoarse voice of the wizard in The Lord of the Rings). Frank and to the point. I appreciate them just as much.
Then there are those whose footsteps I hear behind the door. They come closer, look through the peephole, then play dead, holding their breath until they see me turn around and leave.
Finally, there are those who open up only to give free rein to their frustration at being born into such an ungrateful and meaningless world. For those, I simply write a little note at the bottom of the screen for the colleague who will be coming back in two months: No picar. Do not knock on the door.
After two weeks, I must confess I contemplated the possibility of throwing everything out the window.
However, everything changed after the encounter.
9 o'clock in the morning. G. avenue, far away in a neighbourhood I don't know very well. It's grey and I'm cold. I couldn't wake up, so I have to run and start the day's list without even having time to drink my first coffee. The building is brand new, which is a bad sign — usually, no one lets you in. But she's the first to answer and she seems nice. The meter is on the balcony. I follow her. She's elderly and has trouble walking. As we pass through the hallway, I notice a magnificent portrait on the wall. A young woman in charcoal looks at me calmly. She's confident and smiling. Auramar², I whisper. It's written in the bottom right corner.
I take a picture of my meter and thank her. Looking up, I realise: it's her. Forty years later, but the look in her eyes is unmistakable. ‘It's you... The woman on the wall, isn't it?’ She nods. Walking back down the corridor, we both stare at it, somewhat dreamily. ‘It's a self-portrait,’ she finally admits. I'm speechless. ‘Did you do it?’ So, as she told me her story, we got a little sidetracked. I forgot about my meters for a moment, and she forgot to take her medication.
Because I told her that I also liked drawing, ‘but writing, above all... yes. Writing...’ she kindly showed me more drawings. Then texts. And poems. The table was covered with them. I had never met anyone who spoke so beautifully about the sea and solitude.
The coffee had cooled, and we had to say goodbye. ‘I have work to do,’ I said, inspired, and I wasn't really talking about reading the gas meter. She got the hint and, at the door, advised me to get to work without further delay. I nodded and thanked her. Poco a poco, I said. Little by little.
She grabbed my arm. Poco a poco, no. Trabajo duro. Like a prophet, she warned me: it will be a difficult path. Very few people succeed because very few people know what it means to make real sacrifices.
Then we said goodbye with a hug, like old friends. With tears in her eyes, she said, ‘Most of the time, we meet people... But today, I met a person. A beautiful person.’
After that, whenever I wondered what I was doing in this seemingly hostile city, wandering the streets and enduring this treatment, I clung to her words. ‘I'm doing my best,’ I kept repeating in my head. Then I realised it was time to make myself useful, so I started taking notes. When the old man on the eighth floor, started crying in my arms because I said, ‘Hmm, it smells good in here’ over the saucepan, and he said, ‘It was her favourite dish.’ Or when I complimented the paintings of the young man who lived under the eaves in Sants and said ‘Come on, you can’t give up now, your paintings are beautiful.’ He was so moved he gave me homemade cake, to help me finish the day. Every day, when I got home, I wrote down these anecdotes, which I unoriginally called ‘Las historias del gas’ (gas meter stories). Just for me, decorated with what I was collecting in the street. I felt a bit like Amélie Poulain sometimes.
So it's true, for now everything seems to have disappeared. My childhood dreams, my young adult ambitions, my desires for glory and fame. Useless burden of beauty... But on that day, the day we met, something came over me. Everything seems to have gone up in smoke, I thought... But don't cry, look, said the little voice inside me. Beneath my feet, a green shoot sprouted from the ashes. You are exactly where you need to be right now. Have faith. Stars are born from their own collapse. ³ —
¹: Reading gas meters is quite a skill. We get paid to walk around the city and go door to door reading gas meters. Four hundred doors a day, six hours of walking. But since everyone is suspicious (thieves are notorious in Barcelona), no one wants to open the door. So we ring all the doorbells of the floor at once and shout: ‘El gas! Lectura del gas!’ That increases our chances (we get paid by the meter).
²: Pssst... Auramar, the woman I met, is a real writer. She has published a book, illustrated with her own drawings. A beautiful tribute to her journey on this earth. — Available here (in Spanish only).
³: See Article #8, The Aftermath.
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#8 - The aftermath
Stars are born out of their own collapse. We shall remember this phrase. We’ll make a good use of it later. So it happens. One day, just like that. Either by choice, or because life has decided so. Suddenly, everything we've ever known disappears/has disappeared, the boundary isn’t clear and (…)
Stars are born out of their own collapse. We shall remember this phrase. We’ll make a good use of it later. So it happens. One day, just like that. Either by choice, or because life has decided so. Suddenly, everything we've ever known disappears/has disappeared, the boundary isn’t clear, and it's like watching the shore recede from the back of a boat. We haven't yet understood what just happened, but when Mother Earth is nothing more than a dot on the horizon, we realise that it's a one-way ticket we have in our pockets and that it's too late to take the plunge.
Things will never be the same again.
It takes about a year, then, to get back on your feet after a hard blow. Mum was right. A year of wandering through the dark valley. Then one morning, the sun rises. We close our eyes, by reflex, and grief becomes what it has always been: an uninvited road companion.
From the depths of the abyss, the walls open up. On the other side, there's the sound of cars and children playing. How strange everything seems, suddenly. Do we have the right to do this? To continue living after a whole world collapses? We move barefoot in the direction of this dream, observing passersby and life going on with its things... They don’t seem to know. Someone should tell them: I've lost everything.
But the survival instinct... Survival instinct is the immutable force that propels blood through our veins and makes our eyelashes flutter when we wake up and follows the smell of croissants in the street. Survival instinct is the traitor to the lost soul who wants nothing but this: to lose itself. Because it's impossible to fight against it. Life doesn't ask for permission to enter.
Like a blade of grass growing between the paving slabs. Or a smile that makes us blush, or a big laugh that escapes us. It bursts in, kicking down the door, even without letting our guard down.
Walking, then. That's all I've done since I arrived in Barcelona. Walking to think, walking to recognise, to rebuild myself. I've left things behind me, time passing by, I've let bygones be bygones, I've drawn boats and written sentences on little papers to left them on the beach. Without realising it, it just happened. Because life doesn't ask for permission to enter. I've learned to enjoy carefree days again.
Wandering around like this for those long winter months and wet spring days, I learned to look out for those things that were able to steal a smile from me every now and then. Like breadcrumbs on the way. I picked them up, one by one. I wasn't ready to experience them, but I kept them, just in case, for later.
And in the depths of my night, it happened. I saw a little light¹ turn on. It was a Tuesday afternoon, in September. There was a homemade paper ad stuck to a traffic light. I pulled it off, took it home and since then, everything has changed. —
¹ : That’s the name of the Gospel choir where I sing, since 2022, Little Light Gospel Choir.
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#7 - Hay que seguir
Sometimes I get tired of telling nice stories. Of making delicate, “sweet little drawings”. Of telling things from the perspective of resilience. You're lucky. You've been so lucky in life. I won’t deny it, but if I could, I’d throw up that sentence. Sometimes I want to scream when (…)
Sometimes I get tired of telling nice stories. Of making delicate, “sweet little drawings”. Of telling things from the perspective of resilience. You're lucky. You've been so lucky in life. I won’t deny it, but if I could, I’d throw up that sentence.
Sometimes I want to scream when people tell me I'm brave. I don't want to be brave. I want to live a normal life.
Spend a night without nightmares. Go grocery shopping without suffering a panic attack. Be twenty-nine years old and not still depend on my parents for food.
Sometimes, I wish I could stop laughing. Go back to that moment when I was blind and shake myself, get a good slap on the face. ‘For God's sake, stop smiling!’ Because laughter was everything. It hid everything. Justified everything. You had your hands on me and I was laughing.
And at night, when I close my eyes, I see nothing but that. You and me on the railing. You and me in the park. You and me in secret. In innocent secret. I'd like to vomit everything about you and me and all those people who never stopped telling me how lucky I've been in life.
“Is that what lucky means to you?
This is the last time I look back.” ¹
Sometimes, I just wish objects could become objects again, rather than symbols. I wish a city could be just a dot on a map, rather than the source of all my misery.
But I found the courage. And I dared to speak up. So there's no going back, no more mundane mornings, or laughter without pain. I have to learn how to take the bus again, alone, and not jump when a stranger speaks to me. I have to remember how to calm a panicked child, and do that for myself, every time. Be angry for once and stop forgiving everything for the sake of... whose good, again? Accept that those who left made a real choice.
So we may cry along the way, be terrified, broken or exhausted, even pretend to be okay with that for a while. But whatever happens, hay que seguir. Find the strength and keep going. —
¹ : From the poem I’ve heard it said.
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#1 - Here I am
Do you think he sees it? That there’s no one on stage, no one is living inside this body anymore. I’m a ghost now, nothing more. The stars called through the window that night, and I almost answered: “Here I am”.
Alone together, Maria Kreyn, 2012 —
Ready, set, lights on.
Here I am.
“Do it again.”
The exercice is simple, though.
Audience in the dark.
One single spotlight.
Take one step forward,
Look at them,
And confidently say: “Here I am.”
Here I still am.
Not that I didn’t try, really.
A little bit every day,
That’s what he teaches us.
When you want something in life,
You have to work at it
A little bit,
Every single day.
But they got that
Long before I did, right?
Make her disappear,
No brutality.
Just work on it,
A little bit
Every single day.
Here I am.
“Do it again.”
Do you think he sees it?
That there’s no one on stage,
No one is living inside this body anymore.
I’m a ghost now, nothing more.
The stars
Called through the window
That night,
And I almost answered:
“Here I am”.
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